i don't really know where to start. i'm saying this in MC cos i feel like saying it to you is something i can do only after all hope is gone, because you'd get spooked and definitely be gone for good, whereas now i'm only 90% sure you're gone for good. I just wanted to help keep you from going nuclear. you don't believe anything i say to you, even though i've never lied to you. You say you're crazy, but i don't really think you are. we all have hang ups. i think you think i'm trying to be your wife, just because i don't want to give up on you. sometimes when we're fucking, you make me tell you i love you. the first time, after we were done, you said, "i can't wait for you to mean it." i wanted to get there too. still do. you used to be sprung on me, to use your own words. i think you don't want me to be a real person, now. i've tried to invite you into my life-given you my FB, tried to talk to you about real things. i think you want me to be what we talk about when we're fucking. the truth is, i'm an ice queen. i was celibate for over a year before we started fucking because i didn't want to be vulnerable to anyone. So for you to think that i'm this party girl slut...it's just not reality. the truth is boring. i drink way too much, but other than that, i take care of my dad, my nieces and nephews, hang out with my sister, and go to work. Sometimes i hang out with my gay boys, but they're gay, and i'm not into them. you broke down so many of my boundaries so fast my head was fucking spinning. that's not something that just happens, that i've let anyone else do. i'm not into recriminations, but maybe you need to know that it hurts to be ignored. it does. kills my pride to say it. you're probably already fucking other girls, since it seems like your mind has changed about me. i still care about you. i know all the bad shit, and i still want you. i'm not the dalai lama, but i'm not judging you. that just genuinely isn't me. i've seen the good parts, too, the integrity in you, how quick your mind is, how funny you are and how protective you are of things that matter to you, your pride and your self-reliance. i still want you. also, the sex was fantastic and i miss it, along with you. you turn me on, and our sex was amazing. maybe i'm totally off target and something else is holding you back, but i'd like a chance. i miss you telling me about your grandma and whatever silly movie or doc you'd been watching. i miss being companions. Can we go back to that? my door is always open.